Start Somewhere
If I am being honest. I have no idea what I am doing. I know that a blog these days sounds super millennial-like or something like that and I do not know if anyone would ever read any of these things I post on here, but I want to put things down somewhere so that I can share, create, and reflect. The title of this post is what I want to start off talking about on this blog. I had what I have been calling an 'epiphany' last night. Now this was not some evangelical epiphany that I had and now I have a gold halo around my head, but it was a moment that clicked.
Essentially, I have been experiencing a lot of change in my life and in myself personally over the past couple of years. I have done things that I am proud of and I have done things that I am not proud of. I felt like I just needed...something. I buried this feeling of needing something else in my life. I genuinely could not pinpoint what I needed, but I knew that I just needed some sort of sign or anything to make life better. So I did what almost everyone my age seems to do now, I waited and I kept myself distracted. I knew I was not as happy as I should be. I knew I deserved more in life. However, I did nothing about it except wait for this something to just appear.
The truth is, people my age are very good at staying distracted, filling voids, and brushing off emotional needs. We have social media to look at to focus on other peoples' lives to distract us from our own. We have video games that allow us to literally become another person online and carry a whole different persona. What I noticed that I did for the past couple of years was I filled my emotional voids with other things or other people. That something that I was looking for and waiting to come was filled with other people or new relationships. I thought that new "someones" would be that "something". I lost relationships with people that I never dreamed of losing because I was filling so many emotional voids in my own person that I left behind people that I really cared about. I also missed out on making new relationships with people because I did not have the effort to get to know them.
This brings me right back to the epiphany that I mentioned at the beginning of this before I started rambling. I reflected on all of the things in my life that I had done or had not done. I thought about the parts of my mind that need to change or should not be there. I thought about all of the things that I was doing emotionally, mentally, and physically, and I just knew that I wanted more. I knew I needed something more. I sat with that for a long time. I sat in silence just wishing it were possible to wipe it all clean and start fresh. I wanted to wake up the next morning with a clean slate, a clear mind, and a clear history of everything I have ever done. For a long time, I told myself that was not possible. It was not until my friend who I had been talking to about this said to me, "You can. You literally can do that."
At that point I felt my shoulders relax, my tongue left the roof of my mouth, and my chest released so much pressure. I realized that I can wake up and start new. I can clean the slate. I realized that I have the power to change at any moment I want to, and I do not owe anyone an explanation for that. That something that I had been yearning for was not coming. I realized I have spent too much of my life waiting for that stupid something to knock me upside the head that I just said forget it. I said I am going to wake up and I am going to start fresh. I am going to make the joy, not find it. I am going to put myself where I feel joy or gratitude or inner peace. I am going to do the things that make me feel calm and happy and free. And I am going to do them because I deserve to do them.
I never thought it was possible to just say, time to start fresh. I never knew how to flip my life around or give it the extra push I needed. I always had thought that it would come to me or land in my lap. Now I say to heck with waiting for that something. That something that I wasted years of my life waiting on, was not a thing at all, it was somewhere. And that somewhere is the start. I chose to start somewhere.
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