Progress, Setbacks

 

I want to be more, do more, and feel more. I want to be better, do better, and feel better. I want to be enough, do enough, and feel enough. I want to be me, do me, and feel like me.  

   For as long as I can remember, I have always just felt sadder than most people. I have always felt that a part of me, though sometimes it be minuscule, was just heavy. I felt that when things that were only supposed to make you feel say, a little bit sad or superficially sad like a sad movie or sad song, made me feel extremely sad...deeply sad. This part of me has not been easy to recognize or cope with in all honesty. When I am on an upward path, I often think this part of me disappears. Maybe it does! But only for a little while. Then it just comes right back in. Having to carry this constant weight pays a huge toll on my progress in life. 

    When I mean progress, I really mean healing. In 2019, I went through one of the darkest and scariest times of my life. The start or "reason" behind this time need not be mentioned, but it changed me. Before then, I had a pretty good handle on that sadness and weight that I mentioned before. It was lighter, more manageable. Until it started to get heavier and heavier as time went on. I believe that ever since that really dark time, I have been attempting to heal. 

    I lost myself during that time. I lost a lot of things. 

                Friends

                                 Joy

                                               Trust

                                    Happiness 

                Motivation

                                        Self-worth 

                    Hope

     And a whole lot more. I lost the idea of who I was and where I was going. Moreover, I lost the want or desire to find it. It was terrifying. Feeling that low is many things, but one thing that I can remember feeling from that was just pure fear. I did not know when it would end, how it would end, if it would end at all. All I knew was that I was stuck. I was stuck and I was scared. 

    I am extremely lucky that I did get help to bring me out of such a crisis mentally. Luckily my family and ~therapy~ gave me a small bit of desire to want to heal. But lordy I was not out of the woods yet. Honestly y'all I am still not out of the gosh darn woods. So that is why when I say progress, I mean healing. 

    I like to use a bit of an analogy to represent my healing process thus far. So, stick with me here, it might be a stretch. It is like when you are using a really thick and dark pencil to draw or write something, but want to erase it. But the eraser you are using is one of those really nasty ones that sounds like sandpaper when it tries to erase and ends up smudging it more. So, you take another eraser from another pencil and erase the original marks as well as the new smudges. The new eraser helps to get rid the marks and smudges, but there is still the faintest outline of what you drew in the first place. The pencil was too dark, unable to be erased. So naturally, you start anew. A new page in your notebook let's say. Regardless of a fresh start, the faint lines of the original drawing remain. They have left an indent onto the next page in your notebook. So, that first drawing stays despite the erasing, smudging, and even starting new again. 

    So now I will connect the dots for those who did not fully grasp my not so amazing analogy that for some reason makes perfect sense in my head but probably none in yours. So that first initial event or trigger point as they say, was in 2019, in this case, the dark pencil drawing. Therapy, family, friends, all of that, are the eraser that smudges. They mean well, they want to do their job, they have all of the right parts, but were no match for that dark pencil. They erased a decent layer of the drawing, but a lot was still left. Next, the new eraser was new people, new experiences...distractions if you will. They erased a lot of the drawing, did a pretty good job of removing the remaining layers and smudge, but they still didn't get rid of the drawing completely...they still didn't heal me completely. That trigger, the loss of myself, the lack of motivation or care still remained as a faint outline in my life. The new page of the notebook was time. Time gave me the chance to heal as best I could. Things started to hurt a little less, flashbacks, breakdowns, and crises decreased. But that indent from that dark, dark pencil was still there. That pain and fear still remained within me. It still does. So when I say I am still trying to heal and make progress and find purpose in my life, that is a little insight on to what and why it feels that way. 

    The days I make significant progress are great. For example, the day I decided to make this blog or film a video about skincare, those are the days that I feel like I am doing and finding something I love. I feel like I am finding a purpose. However, the days that I have major setbacks are the worst. I will use today as an example, I had all of these plans and the motivation to get them done the night before and was very excited about them. I was going to wake up, walk the dog, make breakfast, work out, and have a great morning. The main goal of the day was to organize my products and film an updated makeup tutorial and product haul. (yes these are the things I get super excited about blah whatever) But when I woke up, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my heart. I felt like my feet were glued to where I was standing. All in all, I genuinely felt like a slug. Zero motivation, zero desire, zero energy. As the day went on, I aimlessly watched TV in my pajamas, ate a bite or two, but I didn't really do much. I walked into my room to see all of my makeup on my floor and just felt such disappointment because I knew I wanted to do what I planned. I knew I would adore doing it...but I just could not muster up any sort of energy to do so. The sad, dark pencil just scribbled all over my day. Days like this one are just so disheartening and really do set me back. They crush my hope sometimes. But what I have learned and it took me a very long time to do so, is that setbacks in my progress are okay. They really are. They are inevitable (wassup Thanos) and are just going to happen no matter what. They are also temporary. 

Progress, success, motivation, accomplishment...all such wonderful things. 

Setbacks, failure, lack of motivation, complete duds of days...all such...less wonderful things. 

   I want to find who I am. I really do. I want to feel that feeling that I see on so many lifestyle pages and in my friends or coaches or random people. That feeling of certainty or security in life as a whole. Some days I really do feel like I am on the way to that feeling, but others I feel like I could not be further away from it. It is still all really scary I am not going to lie. That dark and sad and heavy part of me is very much still there and that is terrifying. I want it to go away and I guess I just have to keep trying to find a way to do it. I have to keep making that progress. I have to keep having the setbacks. I may take one step forward and 25 steps backward, but I will continue to walk. 

    And as for that stubborn pencil drawing that will not seem to disappear and continues to leave that indent on my healing...I hope you never get too comfortable where you are on my notebook page because there WILL be a day where I find white out and you will never leave a mark on me again.